thank you

for being there. just seeing you online and chatting with you makes me feel so much better. it makes me feel kinda happy again. makes me feel like a person. and even pretty sometimes. even if we don't talk about my problems or stuff like that it feels like they've gone when you're online. i don't know how you make it. and i don't know if i can ever tell you that in person. face to face. maybe someday. when i've lost my weight and look some kind of normal..
i know you're not gonna read this because you don't know a thing about my blog and i aim to keep it that way. but i just had to get that off my chest. it's weird how you can make such an impression.. an impact on my life though we haven't heard from each other for more than 2 years. but it just feels like we never had that kind of "brake" from each other. it's so nice and comfy to know you're there. i feel like i can tell you anything. and i feel like i can trust you. and trust is a very critical aspect for me. i don't trust people easily. but it seems like i can believe what you're telling me.
i'm not sure what you really mean to me. i like you. i think you are awesome. and beautiful. am i in love with you? i don't know. and i don't care. as long as you're here. even if there's an ocean between us. 
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started eating healthy and low-cal today. had some fruits and porridge for breakfast, stuff like that. it makes me feel better about myself and my body. and it makes me kinda sick when i watch her ordering fatty things. but then i know i can resist, even if i had a chai latte with soy milk today. i finally know that i CAN resist food. i can resist unhealthy shit. i can resist cake. choc. chips.crisps. stuff like that. i listen to my body. i don't eat when i'm not hungry. i hope that ed's not kicking my ass again. but atm it feels like it's a million miles away from me. and my mind. and my feelings. 
i feel like i can lose the weight i gained because of it. and i hope i will. i want to lose at least 30kg [66lbs] and i know that it'll be hard. but i know i'll make it. i have to. because then i can finally visit you. talk to you. tell you wat you mean to me and how you've helped me.