sometimes i feel like i'm losing myself.

losing control. of everything.
my thoughts.
my food.
my eating habits.
my life.
my money.
my body.
my sanity.
everything.

don't know where to start. okay. food thing's first. they always come first, don't they?
i wanted to fast today. really planned it. then i went to vienna with a friend and fucked it all up. mcdonalds: 2 chai latte with soy milk. one mctoast
home: 2 pieces of cake (150cal/piece). two microwave-burger. 100g kelly's chips. oh and some coke zero. way to much. FUCK THIS SHIT! you can't even imagine how much i hate myself for doing this. for fucking it all up. again. and again. why is it always the same?? why am i so weak? i can't do this anymore. living with this fucking weakness. so i'llchange. from now on. no food til sunday evening. better: monday morning. no food. just water and some coke light. i don't want to gain weight again. never ever. hell no. and i'll keep that.
a messy room leads to a messy mind. at least for me. if my room's not cleaned up, my mind's a mess.

my mom's annoying me. and i feel terrible because of that. i think it's because she kinda represent everything i don't want to be. which is a horrible thing to say. i hate myself for feeling that way. i really do. because i love her. i really really do. but i can't help it. she's eating (too much). drinking and kinda hiding it from me. well, she tries to. and i hate that. makes me anxious. i have to do someting about this. i should talk to her. but i'm afraid of this.

ABC starts in two weeks. looking forward to it. i'll keep my diet til it starts. and i'll do the whole fucking thing. i have to. have to lose weight. have to get in control again. did i ever have control? i don't know..