lost control- again..

here we go again. just had a binge.
and i hate it, because i haven't done this for months now. and now it's like a breakdown fucking with my head because i was just about to gain control of myself -again. well, because of that failure, i'll fast today, just lemon-water and cigarettes. glad that this group diet starts on monday because i can't stand the person in the mirror anymore. but i reconed, that the messier my room is the more i lose control. so the first thing to do after this is to clean up my room, brush my teeth and don't eat anything from now on til sun morning. can't accept another step back to old habits when i'm just about to find new ones.
printed out calorie tables yesterday, so i can control my intake. especially on the diet, where there are calorie limits for every day. and i am SO keeping this one. it goes from april 4th to may 2nd, so i guess my b-day (may 1st) may be a bit hard, but i'm allowed up to 700cal there, so it's okay anyway. as long as i stick to my rules it'll work.

oh, i know it's horrible to say this but sometimes i'm SO mean to my mom. i mean in my thoughts. and then i act mean. i don't even mean to it's just because she always reminds me of what i'll become if i don't lose weight. and i critize almost everything she does lately. her way of driving a car, her eatin habits, her drinking habits- everything. and then i'm mad at myself because i know it's not okay because i love her to bits and she's always been there for me and uspporting me in everything i did. so i have to change my behaviour too and i think that this is going to be hard. really hard. but i just don't want to be the person i used to be til now. i just have to change! be different and keep control.

i feel so stuffed and stupid and ugly atm. stupid binge. i hate that. and i'll never do that again but fot the moment it wont go out of my mind. hopefully i feel better tomorrow at my fast-day. haven't fasted for quite a while now so i don't know how it'll be but i just hope it'll be okay- just like the last time.

That's it for now, i had sooo much more to say atm but i don't want to. so i'll end it with some thinspo:

Don't eat. If you want to see food look in the mirror at your thighs."