another sick day...

...in my sick life.

sometimes i feel like i'm the weakest person i know. decided to fast today because i ate yesterday. then kicked fasting in the curb and ate something. made my mom a b-day cake. low cal of course. 150 cal a piece. not much. but too much.
i can't stand the way i am atm. so i'll fast tomorrow. and on saturday. i just don't want to gain weight.
today was the first day that i saw food and actually was kinda afraid of it. weird. but in a good way. if you're afraid of something, you wont touch it. omg.. there was fucking mayo on the table.. when i saw it i just wanted to run and purge. didn't do it. can't purge on purpose. another thing that shows my weakness. didn't touch the mayo of course. would've died if i did.

so i got the job i applied for- yaay. i am really excited about this. looking forward to working. earning money, get some kind of my own life. finally. i'm sick and tired of having no or few money. i hate that. but i'll get my first paycheck at the end of may/beginning of june. til then i dunno what to do. guess i'll have to ask mom to buy me cigarettes then. no drugs for me til may. fuck it. i'll get some for my b-day. i just hope i get enough money. next sat a friend of mine is going to celebrate his b-day in a club. good thing he pays the entry. couldn't afford it anyway. now i just have to collect some money. maybe i'll ask my godfather. but i hate asking people for money. just makes me feel weak and like a little child.

-cigarette break.-

god i just want to be thin. and sometimes i feel like i'll never make it. and that sucks. those 10kg i lost just aren't enough. i want to lose at least 20 more. 30-40 would be better. way better. so i'll just go from one diet to another until i reach my goal. i SO want to lose those 20kg til summer. july. at least. want those trousers to fit. god i feel like a mess. can't even hold on to my 5-cigarettes-a-day-limit. too weak for everything. i need to have control again. [did i ever have control?] so 2-day-fast.. here we go. i have to make this. i have to finish this. no food til sun morning. nothing special planned so noone would notice anyway.


weird but true: this blog helps me. kind of. even if noone will ever read it.

The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow.

Be like a postage stamp... stick with it until you get there.