binge? hell no.

Oh god. Well today's supposed to be a fast day. and i was like "I SO wanna go for this!!"
yeah. but after 2 hours this urge to binge came back. and grew stronger all i coudl think of was freakin food.
so i decided i'd kick fasting in the curb and do a 100-300cal day. Because if i fasted today i'd binged in the evening and that's for sure. and i think it's better to eat up tp 300cal than to binge and have like.. over 500 or 1000 cals, right?
so i guess some little piece of my willpower is back again. i went to get groceries because it's my moms b-day tomorrow and i'll makeh er a low cal strawberry-joghurt cake. And i resisted to buy sweets or unhealthy stuff! Just got two rolls because i'm gonna make a salad for me and my mom and i know that she likes to eat it with a roll. So.. at least i am some kind of new person because the old me would've run to the store, grabbed everything she wanted and binged it right after she came home. SO my actual binge-free-day-count: 12.

this girl i used to study with is annoying me like hell. yeah i know i should've sent the work toi him. i know it sucks but i am SO not in the mood for this. but i'll do it anyways til the evening. can't let them down because of my laziness.

Oh, today i FINALLY got this mail with explaining the payment in this boarding school i want to work at. and i told them that i was alright with this (i mean 1500€ per month aint bad, right?) and now i just hope that they call me and tell me that i can start working there. pleaaase call me!

Hm. met my sister when i was working at the gas station last week. it was kinda weird to see her again after those month without contact.. but i'm kinda glad that she got a job and she seems to like it. i hope she's finally getting some kind of normal life. and on the one hand i want to contact her, talk o her because i miss her. but on the other hand i know i can't yet. I know that my mom's still kinda angry at her and sometimes i am angry too. and dunno.. i guess i'm disappointed. but she's my sister, my younger sister. and i just feel like i have to take care of her. check, that she's okay, being there for her when she needs someone to talk to- because i know that she hasn't got lots of friends. and it's moms birthday tomorrow. i just hope se texts her. because i know it'll hurt mom if she doesn't say anything about her b-day. but i don't think that my sister's gonna do a thing. god how i hate those inner conflicts;

-loving my sister but being still angry because of her
-feeking like a new person but still my old thoughts and habit try to come back
-losing 10kg but feeling fatter than ever
-keeping a diet but figting the urge to binge

so i guess it's pretty weird being me. these times.

"*Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow."