i don't know what to do.

i need help. kinda.
i had a really good time yesterday. went to the metal-pub with a friend and stayed there til 00:30 in the morning. it was fun it was good ot be there again after missing it for over one year.
but then.. i don't know. something snapped. in my brain. i binged. kind of. i mean i didn't even hit the 1500cal line but now i just WANT to eat all day long. i don't need to. i'm not hungry. but my mind is fucking me up. it's terrible. cigarettes- which usually help- don't help. diet coke... i don't know. helps for a shiort. time.
i'm thinking maybe i just give in today because i don't feel like i can't fight this urge any longer. and tomorrow i'll fast. and on friday i should fast too.
i mean. it's always the same. binge/restrict/binge/restrict.
i hope i can get out of this when i start the abc on may 2nd. god i SO hope i can change then. it just sucks when you always lose control. always.

any tips/advie/idunnowhat?

aw i just feel like a weak fat piece of shit. i'm even afraid that i'll put on the weight i've lost so far.

okay.. it's just dunno. 2 hours after i wrote this blog. i ate all of the sweets tat i bought- which werent much. 5 pieces of "Milchschnitte" (google it if you don't know it) and i wont buy any sweets again!! until i reach my goal weight, no sweets for me. except for some water-ice. but not often. i'll just have mooore watermelon instead and try to stay strong and i wont touch my mom's ice-cream-candy-salty-snack-shit