1.5 pounds

Damn. i gained. fucking 1.5 punds. which sucks. but i'll start my diet tomorrow so i'll get rid of them as soon as possible. maybe it was because of my "goodbye-to-old-habits-day" where i allowed myself actually 2 pieces of cake and a small amount of crisps. but then they should be "good" 1.5 punds right? but how can gaining ever be considered a good thing? well, at least for me the answer is never. but for someone on recovery i guess it's actually a good thing.
but this is about ME,so they're just the price i paid for losing control. kind of. but i'll get it all back. from tomorrow on my new life will start and i'll finally beat my bingeing and i will be strong and have control. finally.

well, today i consumed about 500-850 cals, but this is just a guess. cause when i came home from work my mom cooked my fav meal and stupid, weak me got 2 plates of it. as if one wasn't enough for my fat ass. but okay, they're on me now so let's just kill them. i went to the gym afterwards, got on the cross trainer for like.. 1,5 hours and trained til i lost 930cals. so i guess at least the end of this day was- is- kinda good. now i'm sitting here.. typing and having SUCH a crave for crisps and i'm fighting this for like.. one hour now. afraid that i might give in in the end and lose control again. maybe i'll get myself some watermelon to beat this. cigarettes don't help me here. but i have to stay strong and i will. i promise. i will never ever lose control again and kinda relapse in what i used to be til now. a fat, stupid cow who was too afraid of saying "no" to anybody.


god i am SO excited about starting the diet tomorrow. i know it sounds kinda childish and stuff but it feels good to know that i'll keep it and make it and lose weight and be just who i wanna be. finally- yaaaay. and i'm sure that doing it in a group helps too.

bah.. i just hope that my mom will eat those stupid crisps so i just.. don't have them around me anymore. i also need to buy more fruits and vegs for the diet, want to do at least one "freuit and vegs only" day per week. and i am SO curious.. i always wonder: how much weight will i lose in this month? how will i look then? and i hope i fit into my super cool trousers after this..

EEEW someone on the tv is cooking a potatoe-salad with mayo. how i hate mayo. it tastes like pure fat. how can anyone eat this??

well, enough with my stupid ranting for today :)
stay strong.