long time no blog.
i think i will update this shit shortly.

200

i'm at 200lbs atm.. or 198. desperately tryin to get under it. lose more.
i love fasting. nd not really fasting but eating hardly anything. i ate yesterday and today. fasting for the weekend at least.
it's like.. either i fast/eat barely anything or i eat too much. (had at least 900cal today i guess).

but that's what makes me happy these days.. the fasting thing. i really love it.
and noone gets a thing since i'm at work all day and stuff :)

haven't been here for a while

well. abc's okay.
fucked up three days and passed 4 of them
binge free days: 1

got nothing to say today. he's online. yäy.

ABC Day 1 : 500 cal

Well so i started the abc today. and i decided that i'll post what i ate. today it was:
1 roll with butter        214cal

2Weetabix with soy milk, some grapes and a banana   200.5cal

and some pickles, 2 or 3

all in all:    415 cal.

quite okay i guess. could've done better. let's see how tomorrow will be :)

I'm getting thinner

i can feel it. i can sit down, knees to my chest and can lay my head on them. before it was just.. hard ot sit that way and now it's comfy. finally :D i love it.
lost 28 lbs so far and i want to lose another 30 at least., hopefully in 6-7 months.
and then i'll visit *. and it'll be awesome.


i start to feel pretty. sometimes. and it's nice. haven't felt pretty for years now. and today i took a pic where you can see my collar bones!! well, they're not sticking out. just.. a bit you know. but it's a start.


ABC starts in 6 days. SO looking forward to it.

dunno what to say atm. chatting with him and that makes me happy.

so stay strong!

i resisted!

that stupid, yet so yummy lookin piece of choc cake. fuck yeah! fuck you, fat, unhealthy cake with like.. a gazillion of cals.
so i had abouuuut 500cal today? i'm not sure. i know i had 350cals til about 12am. then in the evening my aunt came and my mom made some ham slices filled with veggies and mayo (yuckyuckyuck). and i ate two o them because i had to eat. my mom starts picking on me because of my eating habits. but well, i'm 23 and so it's not really of her concern anyways. well. and i have my own fridge in my room so i can control what i buy and what i eat and stuff like that.
BWAH! my aunt gave me SO much choc for easter. i wont touch it. i dunno what i'll do with it because i HATE throwing away food. but i sure as hell wont eat it. the scale at this blood donating thing said exactly the same what my scale at home tol dme so YAAY. last time i was like.. 6 pounds heavier and i almost had a heart attack seeing the number. but then i realized that the weight probably had come from my bag because stupid me stepped on the scale fully dressed and with my handbag which is like.. 3 punds or somethin like that. so i feel pretty good about myself today. atm.
going to a party tomorrow and i'm SOOOO excited. haven't been to a goa party for months now. and it'll be fun. music, friends, drinks,drugs, funfunfunfunfun. yaaay.
oh and i love weetabix. i eat like.. 1 or 1 1/2 for breakfast, with some soy milk and a banana, 3 strawberries or grapes or somethin like that, healthy and yummmmmmy.

hope everyone out there's doing well too.
stay strong
x.

thank you

for being there. just seeing you online and chatting with you makes me feel so much better. it makes me feel kinda happy again. makes me feel like a person. and even pretty sometimes. even if we don't talk about my problems or stuff like that it feels like they've gone when you're online. i don't know how you make it. and i don't know if i can ever tell you that in person. face to face. maybe someday. when i've lost my weight and look some kind of normal..
i know you're not gonna read this because you don't know a thing about my blog and i aim to keep it that way. but i just had to get that off my chest. it's weird how you can make such an impression.. an impact on my life though we haven't heard from each other for more than 2 years. but it just feels like we never had that kind of "brake" from each other. it's so nice and comfy to know you're there. i feel like i can tell you anything. and i feel like i can trust you. and trust is a very critical aspect for me. i don't trust people easily. but it seems like i can believe what you're telling me.
i'm not sure what you really mean to me. i like you. i think you are awesome. and beautiful. am i in love with you? i don't know. and i don't care. as long as you're here. even if there's an ocean between us. 
_______________________________
started eating healthy and low-cal today. had some fruits and porridge for breakfast, stuff like that. it makes me feel better about myself and my body. and it makes me kinda sick when i watch her ordering fatty things. but then i know i can resist, even if i had a chai latte with soy milk today. i finally know that i CAN resist food. i can resist unhealthy shit. i can resist cake. choc. chips.crisps. stuff like that. i listen to my body. i don't eat when i'm not hungry. i hope that ed's not kicking my ass again. but atm it feels like it's a million miles away from me. and my mind. and my feelings. 
i feel like i can lose the weight i gained because of it. and i hope i will. i want to lose at least 30kg [66lbs] and i know that it'll be hard. but i know i'll make it. i have to. because then i can finally visit you. talk to you. tell you wat you mean to me and how you've helped me.