I'm getting thinner

i can feel it. i can sit down, knees to my chest and can lay my head on them. before it was just.. hard ot sit that way and now it's comfy. finally :D i love it.
lost 28 lbs so far and i want to lose another 30 at least., hopefully in 6-7 months.
and then i'll visit *. and it'll be awesome.


i start to feel pretty. sometimes. and it's nice. haven't felt pretty for years now. and today i took a pic where you can see my collar bones!! well, they're not sticking out. just.. a bit you know. but it's a start.


ABC starts in 6 days. SO looking forward to it.

dunno what to say atm. chatting with him and that makes me happy.

so stay strong!

i resisted!

that stupid, yet so yummy lookin piece of choc cake. fuck yeah! fuck you, fat, unhealthy cake with like.. a gazillion of cals.
so i had abouuuut 500cal today? i'm not sure. i know i had 350cals til about 12am. then in the evening my aunt came and my mom made some ham slices filled with veggies and mayo (yuckyuckyuck). and i ate two o them because i had to eat. my mom starts picking on me because of my eating habits. but well, i'm 23 and so it's not really of her concern anyways. well. and i have my own fridge in my room so i can control what i buy and what i eat and stuff like that.
BWAH! my aunt gave me SO much choc for easter. i wont touch it. i dunno what i'll do with it because i HATE throwing away food. but i sure as hell wont eat it. the scale at this blood donating thing said exactly the same what my scale at home tol dme so YAAY. last time i was like.. 6 pounds heavier and i almost had a heart attack seeing the number. but then i realized that the weight probably had come from my bag because stupid me stepped on the scale fully dressed and with my handbag which is like.. 3 punds or somethin like that. so i feel pretty good about myself today. atm.
going to a party tomorrow and i'm SOOOO excited. haven't been to a goa party for months now. and it'll be fun. music, friends, drinks,drugs, funfunfunfunfun. yaaay.
oh and i love weetabix. i eat like.. 1 or 1 1/2 for breakfast, with some soy milk and a banana, 3 strawberries or grapes or somethin like that, healthy and yummmmmmy.

hope everyone out there's doing well too.
stay strong
x.

thank you

for being there. just seeing you online and chatting with you makes me feel so much better. it makes me feel kinda happy again. makes me feel like a person. and even pretty sometimes. even if we don't talk about my problems or stuff like that it feels like they've gone when you're online. i don't know how you make it. and i don't know if i can ever tell you that in person. face to face. maybe someday. when i've lost my weight and look some kind of normal..
i know you're not gonna read this because you don't know a thing about my blog and i aim to keep it that way. but i just had to get that off my chest. it's weird how you can make such an impression.. an impact on my life though we haven't heard from each other for more than 2 years. but it just feels like we never had that kind of "brake" from each other. it's so nice and comfy to know you're there. i feel like i can tell you anything. and i feel like i can trust you. and trust is a very critical aspect for me. i don't trust people easily. but it seems like i can believe what you're telling me.
i'm not sure what you really mean to me. i like you. i think you are awesome. and beautiful. am i in love with you? i don't know. and i don't care. as long as you're here. even if there's an ocean between us. 
_______________________________
started eating healthy and low-cal today. had some fruits and porridge for breakfast, stuff like that. it makes me feel better about myself and my body. and it makes me kinda sick when i watch her ordering fatty things. but then i know i can resist, even if i had a chai latte with soy milk today. i finally know that i CAN resist food. i can resist unhealthy shit. i can resist cake. choc. chips.crisps. stuff like that. i listen to my body. i don't eat when i'm not hungry. i hope that ed's not kicking my ass again. but atm it feels like it's a million miles away from me. and my mind. and my feelings. 
i feel like i can lose the weight i gained because of it. and i hope i will. i want to lose at least 30kg [66lbs] and i know that it'll be hard. but i know i'll make it. i have to. because then i can finally visit you. talk to you. tell you wat you mean to me and how you've helped me.

i hate...

• my face
• my body
• my toes
• my arms
• my legs
• my fucked-up-mind
• my ed-thing.
• myself
• my eyebrows
• my belly
• my life (?)
• my thoughts
• my behaviour
• me missing him, even we're just .. some kind of friends not even really knowing each other
• my smile
• my weakness
• my lack of control

i need to do something about that. god when i look into the mirror i kinda hate my fuckin face. i really do. but then sometimes i take pics and i tend to like some of them..

two blogs on one day. yaay to my pathetic life.

god i ope all of this changes when i start working next week.

i don't know what to do.

i need help. kinda.
i had a really good time yesterday. went to the metal-pub with a friend and stayed there til 00:30 in the morning. it was fun it was good ot be there again after missing it for over one year.
but then.. i don't know. something snapped. in my brain. i binged. kind of. i mean i didn't even hit the 1500cal line but now i just WANT to eat all day long. i don't need to. i'm not hungry. but my mind is fucking me up. it's terrible. cigarettes- which usually help- don't help. diet coke... i don't know. helps for a shiort. time.
i'm thinking maybe i just give in today because i don't feel like i can't fight this urge any longer. and tomorrow i'll fast. and on friday i should fast too.
i mean. it's always the same. binge/restrict/binge/restrict.
i hope i can get out of this when i start the abc on may 2nd. god i SO hope i can change then. it just sucks when you always lose control. always.

any tips/advie/idunnowhat?

aw i just feel like a weak fat piece of shit. i'm even afraid that i'll put on the weight i've lost so far.

okay.. it's just dunno. 2 hours after i wrote this blog. i ate all of the sweets tat i bought- which werent much. 5 pieces of "Milchschnitte" (google it if you don't know it) and i wont buy any sweets again!! until i reach my goal weight, no sweets for me. except for some water-ice. but not often. i'll just have mooore watermelon instead and try to stay strong and i wont touch my mom's ice-cream-candy-salty-snack-shit

63.

that's the number of calories for me today. i already had them, 'cause i have to go donating blood lateron and i don't want to collapse again.
and coke zero. right before they push the neeeeedle in.

anyway. I CAN FEEL MY COLLAR BONES. finally :D and there even is a little .. well.. gap? you know wat i mean, don't you? oh my god this is SO awesome. i haven't felt/seen them for years now. and it seems like all of this i sstarting to pay off. yesyesyes. THIS is so helping me with sticking to my diet/fasting. i feel so good today. better than yesterday... and lots of days before.

happyness....

-------------
update: 16:13
well. i visited my aunt and uncle. and they made me eat a freakin schnitzel. a small one though but i hate myself for eating it but i know i just had to.
mom's crying and it's annoying me like shit. i know that this aint fair but i hate it when she cries. so i just tsay in my room and maybe get out here as soon as possible. dunno where tbh, but who cares anyway?
STOP crying. really.

new discovery!!

food doesn't make me happy anymore. rather.. i'm afraid of it now. which is SO fucking good! it's awesoome!!! means that i wont have binge attacks for a loong time now. maybe i'm even over that binging shit- who knows?

i feel like someting in my brain finally "clicked".
it may sound weird to some people that someone can actually be appy about being afraid of food. but i always been afraid of it, it's just gotten "worse" (better imo) now. and i love it.

lucky me.

didn't gain any weight- didn't lose some either. but still lucks for not gaining any since i kinda had a small binge yesterday. weakness, your name's betty.
guess i'm kinda perfecting weakness these days. feeling weak and like shit. but all of this shit still gives me the drive to go on. continue the thing that i've started. i wont just sit there, happy about my lost 22lbs doing nopthing. i need to lose more. at least.. dunno...another 60 would be perfect. the more the better.

can't fast tomorrow,going to some thing similar to donating blood and i almost collapsed lat time i was there- because of fasting. so i'll just drink 2l of water, have a coke before i get there aaand eat some yoghurt-kinda-stuff which has only 67cal. it'll be okay then i guess.

well.. so i'm just gonna have a nice-quiet-beauty day. facial mask, doing my eyebrows (totally forgot about them these days :D ), taking a loooong shower, peeling. stuff like that. it'll make me feel god and kinda pretty again. maybe i'll even grab some water-ice later. i know this thing that only has 100cal or so. it'll be okay since i had abouuut... 300-350 today and my diet allows 500 to 700 and well i must not go under the limit. :) i'll just stick to the diet until may 2nd. and then i'll start the ABC and i'm pretty excited about it. looking forward. like.. yaay. and i WILL keep this diet. if i feel weak, i'll just rant. here. or on pt.

and then i'll just fast on tuesday and thursday and friday. i NEED to lose some weight til saturday. going out then. celebating a friend's b-day. i want to feel good about myself. well i know i will because of alcohol and drugs but i want to feel good about myself when i'm sober too. finally. for more than just hours or 1-2 days.

so.. be like a postage stamp- stick with it until you get there!

sometimes i feel like i'm losing myself.

losing control. of everything.
my thoughts.
my food.
my eating habits.
my life.
my money.
my body.
my sanity.
everything.

don't know where to start. okay. food thing's first. they always come first, don't they?
i wanted to fast today. really planned it. then i went to vienna with a friend and fucked it all up. mcdonalds: 2 chai latte with soy milk. one mctoast
home: 2 pieces of cake (150cal/piece). two microwave-burger. 100g kelly's chips. oh and some coke zero. way to much. FUCK THIS SHIT! you can't even imagine how much i hate myself for doing this. for fucking it all up. again. and again. why is it always the same?? why am i so weak? i can't do this anymore. living with this fucking weakness. so i'llchange. from now on. no food til sunday evening. better: monday morning. no food. just water and some coke light. i don't want to gain weight again. never ever. hell no. and i'll keep that.
a messy room leads to a messy mind. at least for me. if my room's not cleaned up, my mind's a mess.

my mom's annoying me. and i feel terrible because of that. i think it's because she kinda represent everything i don't want to be. which is a horrible thing to say. i hate myself for feeling that way. i really do. because i love her. i really really do. but i can't help it. she's eating (too much). drinking and kinda hiding it from me. well, she tries to. and i hate that. makes me anxious. i have to do someting about this. i should talk to her. but i'm afraid of this.

ABC starts in two weeks. looking forward to it. i'll keep my diet til it starts. and i'll do the whole fucking thing. i have to. have to lose weight. have to get in control again. did i ever have control? i don't know..

another sick day...

...in my sick life.

sometimes i feel like i'm the weakest person i know. decided to fast today because i ate yesterday. then kicked fasting in the curb and ate something. made my mom a b-day cake. low cal of course. 150 cal a piece. not much. but too much.
i can't stand the way i am atm. so i'll fast tomorrow. and on saturday. i just don't want to gain weight.
today was the first day that i saw food and actually was kinda afraid of it. weird. but in a good way. if you're afraid of something, you wont touch it. omg.. there was fucking mayo on the table.. when i saw it i just wanted to run and purge. didn't do it. can't purge on purpose. another thing that shows my weakness. didn't touch the mayo of course. would've died if i did.

so i got the job i applied for- yaay. i am really excited about this. looking forward to working. earning money, get some kind of my own life. finally. i'm sick and tired of having no or few money. i hate that. but i'll get my first paycheck at the end of may/beginning of june. til then i dunno what to do. guess i'll have to ask mom to buy me cigarettes then. no drugs for me til may. fuck it. i'll get some for my b-day. i just hope i get enough money. next sat a friend of mine is going to celebrate his b-day in a club. good thing he pays the entry. couldn't afford it anyway. now i just have to collect some money. maybe i'll ask my godfather. but i hate asking people for money. just makes me feel weak and like a little child.

-cigarette break.-

god i just want to be thin. and sometimes i feel like i'll never make it. and that sucks. those 10kg i lost just aren't enough. i want to lose at least 20 more. 30-40 would be better. way better. so i'll just go from one diet to another until i reach my goal. i SO want to lose those 20kg til summer. july. at least. want those trousers to fit. god i feel like a mess. can't even hold on to my 5-cigarettes-a-day-limit. too weak for everything. i need to have control again. [did i ever have control?] so 2-day-fast.. here we go. i have to make this. i have to finish this. no food til sun morning. nothing special planned so noone would notice anyway.


weird but true: this blog helps me. kind of. even if noone will ever read it.

The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow.

Be like a postage stamp... stick with it until you get there.

ABC

So i decided to do the ABC diet starting on may 2nd. because my other diet'll go til may 2nd and i just need another one because i'm still SO fucking far away from my goal weight.
and i wanted to do the abc since i heard about it. and i am going to do all 50 days. from may 2nd to june 20th. and i will do it and will keep to the daily goals. working out for 3 days a week at least.
weighing only once a week.
it'll be hard at the beginning but i'll make it after all.
i just need to lose this weight so badly.

anyone got experience with it?

binge? hell no.

Oh god. Well today's supposed to be a fast day. and i was like "I SO wanna go for this!!"
yeah. but after 2 hours this urge to binge came back. and grew stronger all i coudl think of was freakin food.
so i decided i'd kick fasting in the curb and do a 100-300cal day. Because if i fasted today i'd binged in the evening and that's for sure. and i think it's better to eat up tp 300cal than to binge and have like.. over 500 or 1000 cals, right?
so i guess some little piece of my willpower is back again. i went to get groceries because it's my moms b-day tomorrow and i'll makeh er a low cal strawberry-joghurt cake. And i resisted to buy sweets or unhealthy stuff! Just got two rolls because i'm gonna make a salad for me and my mom and i know that she likes to eat it with a roll. So.. at least i am some kind of new person because the old me would've run to the store, grabbed everything she wanted and binged it right after she came home. SO my actual binge-free-day-count: 12.

this girl i used to study with is annoying me like hell. yeah i know i should've sent the work toi him. i know it sucks but i am SO not in the mood for this. but i'll do it anyways til the evening. can't let them down because of my laziness.

Oh, today i FINALLY got this mail with explaining the payment in this boarding school i want to work at. and i told them that i was alright with this (i mean 1500€ per month aint bad, right?) and now i just hope that they call me and tell me that i can start working there. pleaaase call me!

Hm. met my sister when i was working at the gas station last week. it was kinda weird to see her again after those month without contact.. but i'm kinda glad that she got a job and she seems to like it. i hope she's finally getting some kind of normal life. and on the one hand i want to contact her, talk o her because i miss her. but on the other hand i know i can't yet. I know that my mom's still kinda angry at her and sometimes i am angry too. and dunno.. i guess i'm disappointed. but she's my sister, my younger sister. and i just feel like i have to take care of her. check, that she's okay, being there for her when she needs someone to talk to- because i know that she hasn't got lots of friends. and it's moms birthday tomorrow. i just hope se texts her. because i know it'll hurt mom if she doesn't say anything about her b-day. but i don't think that my sister's gonna do a thing. god how i hate those inner conflicts;

-loving my sister but being still angry because of her
-feeking like a new person but still my old thoughts and habit try to come back
-losing 10kg but feeling fatter than ever
-keeping a diet but figting the urge to binge

so i guess it's pretty weird being me. these times.

"*Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow."

memories.

isn't it just interesting how one song brings back the memory of a certain person. even if it's more thatn 5 years now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVQpfoqsY8Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=araU0fZj6oQ


i still miss you sometimes.

- 10kg.

Yesterday i realized that i lost 10 kg (about 22lbs). and that made me feel SO fucking happy and great and.. dunno. just good.
-good that willpower finally pays off.
-good thing i'm single, i know i couldn't have done this with a bf. at least not with my last one.
-good thing g. wrote me on fb. i kinda like hime
and i haven't seen the w4 bunch for quite a while now and it's always fun with them. i mean fun².

haven't eaten much for the weekend. hung out with friends from sat-sun and then drove to work straight. had fun there. ate nothing. came back home. then we went off to a greek restaurant where i had a small salad. didn't even finish that.
but it feels so good. with no food.
but i stell feel fat. i kknow that i am but i feel like i weigh about 150kg. but that just keeps me from binging. and it helps keeping up the diet even if it's kinda hard sometimes.

funny side effect: lots of stuff which i used to love is becoming more and more yuck! to me. seriously. had little amount of nutella today and i couldn't eat it. good thing, because it's full of fat and sugar and shit like that.

my pants are starting to fit lose. good thing. but i still feel like a fucking sumo-ringer.
and i'm sure it stays like that until i reach my goal weight. and i want to lose another 10lg til summer. at least. i hope i'll make it.

Quote of the day:
Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. Food is good; thin is better.

Day 3

Well the diet's pretty good til now. feeling good and yeah.. bit different too. i had to switch my weekend cals (500-700) wich the cals yesterday and on friday, because my plans for this week got messed up but i guess it's okay, as i am still keeping the limit and 100-300 on the weekend.

been working out every morning, except for today i was too tired to give my mom a ride to her working place because of my tryout days in this boarding school. well, i have to work today too and i think i'll go to the gym afterwards. but i kinda managed to hurt my knee on monday and it's still feeling just.. outch! anf that effects my work out. i try to ignore the pain but after 30 min it usually comes back. i hope this wil get better soon.

Try-outs at the boarding school were fine. like itt there, like the kids (altough i'd prefer a girl's group because the boys are just.. harder to work with :D) and now i'll just have to wait. i'll call them today to ask the chief until when they've made their desicion. *takemetakeme* i SO hope they call me and be like "we'd like you to work here" because the building's beautiful, the kids are quite nice too and i even got along with everyone and they even listened to me!! Never expected that! so i jjust hope that everything turns out fine for me. would be SO great and i finally could give my mom some money every month and do the grocerie shopping.. stuff like that. and i'd just have some money left for myself. need new stuff for my rooms..

anyways.. today's a fsting day and i'm curious what it'll be like. never really made to fast, not even for one day. yahw.. i'm a sissy. but i will do this today. no excuses, no "but me's so hungry" shit. if i want to look good i have to do something for it.

"beauty from pain" this quote always keeps me going...

today's THE day

yaay! my diet starts today and I am SO pumped for it.
well thanks to me damn bingeing attack i had some days ago and other stuff i gaines 5 pounds O.O
which is weird and freakybut i'll get rid of them.

anyways, gotta go to the gym now, write more later. :D

lost control

oh my god. just.. minutes after i finished my first blog entry today, i grabbed the pack of crisps and started to eat. but then i got my control back and just ate 15 of them. 15.. as if one wasn't enough for my fat ass. god i hate myself when that happens.

well, i'm still freakin hungry so i got a slice of bread with one tbsp of cottage cheese and some bears garlic. i'd say i could eat 100 of these to reach the amount of calories i got from those fucking 15 crisps.

god i can't wait for tomorrow for the diet to start. have to buy some fruits and vegs then and i'll go to the gym fro 2 hours. that should clear my mind. kill the weakness.

1.5 pounds

Damn. i gained. fucking 1.5 punds. which sucks. but i'll start my diet tomorrow so i'll get rid of them as soon as possible. maybe it was because of my "goodbye-to-old-habits-day" where i allowed myself actually 2 pieces of cake and a small amount of crisps. but then they should be "good" 1.5 punds right? but how can gaining ever be considered a good thing? well, at least for me the answer is never. but for someone on recovery i guess it's actually a good thing.
but this is about ME,so they're just the price i paid for losing control. kind of. but i'll get it all back. from tomorrow on my new life will start and i'll finally beat my bingeing and i will be strong and have control. finally.

well, today i consumed about 500-850 cals, but this is just a guess. cause when i came home from work my mom cooked my fav meal and stupid, weak me got 2 plates of it. as if one wasn't enough for my fat ass. but okay, they're on me now so let's just kill them. i went to the gym afterwards, got on the cross trainer for like.. 1,5 hours and trained til i lost 930cals. so i guess at least the end of this day was- is- kinda good. now i'm sitting here.. typing and having SUCH a crave for crisps and i'm fighting this for like.. one hour now. afraid that i might give in in the end and lose control again. maybe i'll get myself some watermelon to beat this. cigarettes don't help me here. but i have to stay strong and i will. i promise. i will never ever lose control again and kinda relapse in what i used to be til now. a fat, stupid cow who was too afraid of saying "no" to anybody.


god i am SO excited about starting the diet tomorrow. i know it sounds kinda childish and stuff but it feels good to know that i'll keep it and make it and lose weight and be just who i wanna be. finally- yaaaay. and i'm sure that doing it in a group helps too.

bah.. i just hope that my mom will eat those stupid crisps so i just.. don't have them around me anymore. i also need to buy more fruits and vegs for the diet, want to do at least one "freuit and vegs only" day per week. and i am SO curious.. i always wonder: how much weight will i lose in this month? how will i look then? and i hope i fit into my super cool trousers after this..

EEEW someone on the tv is cooking a potatoe-salad with mayo. how i hate mayo. it tastes like pure fat. how can anyone eat this??

well, enough with my stupid ranting for today :)
stay strong.

Goodbye-to-old-habits-day

Well. I pronounced this day "Goodbye-to-old-habits-day". At first i planned to fast today. but then i realized that this isn't going to help me.
so i decided that i'll just say goodbye to my old habits. and i really need(ed) this. one last day of recreating the ways i used to behave,to act, to be.
one last piece of cake, one last little portion of potato chips. goodbye, to you.

For a really long time food was kinda like my shelter. my best friend. and my beloved enemy. i think it'd have been pretty rude to not say goodbye. and it feels good. it feels good to know that i wont regret this day tomorrow. i'll see it as the end of an era. kind of.

no more binge eating. no more eating because i'm depressed. no more weakness. no more lack of control

so goodbye, old habits. goodbye, old betty.

i wont miss you.

lost control- again..

here we go again. just had a binge.
and i hate it, because i haven't done this for months now. and now it's like a breakdown fucking with my head because i was just about to gain control of myself -again. well, because of that failure, i'll fast today, just lemon-water and cigarettes. glad that this group diet starts on monday because i can't stand the person in the mirror anymore. but i reconed, that the messier my room is the more i lose control. so the first thing to do after this is to clean up my room, brush my teeth and don't eat anything from now on til sun morning. can't accept another step back to old habits when i'm just about to find new ones.
printed out calorie tables yesterday, so i can control my intake. especially on the diet, where there are calorie limits for every day. and i am SO keeping this one. it goes from april 4th to may 2nd, so i guess my b-day (may 1st) may be a bit hard, but i'm allowed up to 700cal there, so it's okay anyway. as long as i stick to my rules it'll work.

oh, i know it's horrible to say this but sometimes i'm SO mean to my mom. i mean in my thoughts. and then i act mean. i don't even mean to it's just because she always reminds me of what i'll become if i don't lose weight. and i critize almost everything she does lately. her way of driving a car, her eatin habits, her drinking habits- everything. and then i'm mad at myself because i know it's not okay because i love her to bits and she's always been there for me and uspporting me in everything i did. so i have to change my behaviour too and i think that this is going to be hard. really hard. but i just don't want to be the person i used to be til now. i just have to change! be different and keep control.

i feel so stuffed and stupid and ugly atm. stupid binge. i hate that. and i'll never do that again but fot the moment it wont go out of my mind. hopefully i feel better tomorrow at my fast-day. haven't fasted for quite a while now so i don't know how it'll be but i just hope it'll be okay- just like the last time.

That's it for now, i had sooo much more to say atm but i don't want to. so i'll end it with some thinspo:

Don't eat. If you want to see food look in the mirror at your thighs."