ABC Day 1 : 500 cal

Well so i started the abc today. and i decided that i'll post what i ate. today it was:
1 roll with butter        214cal

2Weetabix with soy milk, some grapes and a banana   200.5cal

and some pickles, 2 or 3

all in all:    415 cal.

quite okay i guess. could've done better. let's see how tomorrow will be :)

I'm getting thinner

i can feel it. i can sit down, knees to my chest and can lay my head on them. before it was just.. hard ot sit that way and now it's comfy. finally :D i love it.
lost 28 lbs so far and i want to lose another 30 at least., hopefully in 6-7 months.
and then i'll visit *. and it'll be awesome.


i start to feel pretty. sometimes. and it's nice. haven't felt pretty for years now. and today i took a pic where you can see my collar bones!! well, they're not sticking out. just.. a bit you know. but it's a start.


ABC starts in 6 days. SO looking forward to it.

dunno what to say atm. chatting with him and that makes me happy.

so stay strong!

i resisted!

that stupid, yet so yummy lookin piece of choc cake. fuck yeah! fuck you, fat, unhealthy cake with like.. a gazillion of cals.
so i had abouuuut 500cal today? i'm not sure. i know i had 350cals til about 12am. then in the evening my aunt came and my mom made some ham slices filled with veggies and mayo (yuckyuckyuck). and i ate two o them because i had to eat. my mom starts picking on me because of my eating habits. but well, i'm 23 and so it's not really of her concern anyways. well. and i have my own fridge in my room so i can control what i buy and what i eat and stuff like that.
BWAH! my aunt gave me SO much choc for easter. i wont touch it. i dunno what i'll do with it because i HATE throwing away food. but i sure as hell wont eat it. the scale at this blood donating thing said exactly the same what my scale at home tol dme so YAAY. last time i was like.. 6 pounds heavier and i almost had a heart attack seeing the number. but then i realized that the weight probably had come from my bag because stupid me stepped on the scale fully dressed and with my handbag which is like.. 3 punds or somethin like that. so i feel pretty good about myself today. atm.
going to a party tomorrow and i'm SOOOO excited. haven't been to a goa party for months now. and it'll be fun. music, friends, drinks,drugs, funfunfunfunfun. yaaay.
oh and i love weetabix. i eat like.. 1 or 1 1/2 for breakfast, with some soy milk and a banana, 3 strawberries or grapes or somethin like that, healthy and yummmmmmy.

hope everyone out there's doing well too.
stay strong
x.

thank you

for being there. just seeing you online and chatting with you makes me feel so much better. it makes me feel kinda happy again. makes me feel like a person. and even pretty sometimes. even if we don't talk about my problems or stuff like that it feels like they've gone when you're online. i don't know how you make it. and i don't know if i can ever tell you that in person. face to face. maybe someday. when i've lost my weight and look some kind of normal..
i know you're not gonna read this because you don't know a thing about my blog and i aim to keep it that way. but i just had to get that off my chest. it's weird how you can make such an impression.. an impact on my life though we haven't heard from each other for more than 2 years. but it just feels like we never had that kind of "brake" from each other. it's so nice and comfy to know you're there. i feel like i can tell you anything. and i feel like i can trust you. and trust is a very critical aspect for me. i don't trust people easily. but it seems like i can believe what you're telling me.
i'm not sure what you really mean to me. i like you. i think you are awesome. and beautiful. am i in love with you? i don't know. and i don't care. as long as you're here. even if there's an ocean between us. 
_______________________________
started eating healthy and low-cal today. had some fruits and porridge for breakfast, stuff like that. it makes me feel better about myself and my body. and it makes me kinda sick when i watch her ordering fatty things. but then i know i can resist, even if i had a chai latte with soy milk today. i finally know that i CAN resist food. i can resist unhealthy shit. i can resist cake. choc. chips.crisps. stuff like that. i listen to my body. i don't eat when i'm not hungry. i hope that ed's not kicking my ass again. but atm it feels like it's a million miles away from me. and my mind. and my feelings. 
i feel like i can lose the weight i gained because of it. and i hope i will. i want to lose at least 30kg [66lbs] and i know that it'll be hard. but i know i'll make it. i have to. because then i can finally visit you. talk to you. tell you wat you mean to me and how you've helped me.

i hate...

• my face
• my body
• my toes
• my arms
• my legs
• my fucked-up-mind
• my ed-thing.
• myself
• my eyebrows
• my belly
• my life (?)
• my thoughts
• my behaviour
• me missing him, even we're just .. some kind of friends not even really knowing each other
• my smile
• my weakness
• my lack of control

i need to do something about that. god when i look into the mirror i kinda hate my fuckin face. i really do. but then sometimes i take pics and i tend to like some of them..

two blogs on one day. yaay to my pathetic life.

god i ope all of this changes when i start working next week.

i don't know what to do.

i need help. kinda.
i had a really good time yesterday. went to the metal-pub with a friend and stayed there til 00:30 in the morning. it was fun it was good ot be there again after missing it for over one year.
but then.. i don't know. something snapped. in my brain. i binged. kind of. i mean i didn't even hit the 1500cal line but now i just WANT to eat all day long. i don't need to. i'm not hungry. but my mind is fucking me up. it's terrible. cigarettes- which usually help- don't help. diet coke... i don't know. helps for a shiort. time.
i'm thinking maybe i just give in today because i don't feel like i can't fight this urge any longer. and tomorrow i'll fast. and on friday i should fast too.
i mean. it's always the same. binge/restrict/binge/restrict.
i hope i can get out of this when i start the abc on may 2nd. god i SO hope i can change then. it just sucks when you always lose control. always.

any tips/advie/idunnowhat?

aw i just feel like a weak fat piece of shit. i'm even afraid that i'll put on the weight i've lost so far.

okay.. it's just dunno. 2 hours after i wrote this blog. i ate all of the sweets tat i bought- which werent much. 5 pieces of "Milchschnitte" (google it if you don't know it) and i wont buy any sweets again!! until i reach my goal weight, no sweets for me. except for some water-ice. but not often. i'll just have mooore watermelon instead and try to stay strong and i wont touch my mom's ice-cream-candy-salty-snack-shit

63.

that's the number of calories for me today. i already had them, 'cause i have to go donating blood lateron and i don't want to collapse again.
and coke zero. right before they push the neeeeedle in.

anyway. I CAN FEEL MY COLLAR BONES. finally :D and there even is a little .. well.. gap? you know wat i mean, don't you? oh my god this is SO awesome. i haven't felt/seen them for years now. and it seems like all of this i sstarting to pay off. yesyesyes. THIS is so helping me with sticking to my diet/fasting. i feel so good today. better than yesterday... and lots of days before.

happyness....

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update: 16:13
well. i visited my aunt and uncle. and they made me eat a freakin schnitzel. a small one though but i hate myself for eating it but i know i just had to.
mom's crying and it's annoying me like shit. i know that this aint fair but i hate it when she cries. so i just tsay in my room and maybe get out here as soon as possible. dunno where tbh, but who cares anyway?
STOP crying. really.